I still cry often, and sometimes daily for stretches of time. I've started running lately (in the hopes of playing football/soccer), but often tears start streaming down my face mid-run. These are the same sidewalks Stefan and I trained together for our Virginia Beach half-marathon.
I really hope that he can read my mind now….
Because there are way too many things that I never told him.
For example, although I don’t typically associate superheroes with the people that I know, whenever I would watch the newest Spiderman movie, I would feel as though I was watching my brother. He was always understated, underappreciated, undervalued. I never told him that he is the only person that I associate a superhero with.
I also never told him about the negligent lifeguard who did not move an inch while Noel struggled underwater and her 5-year-old friend attempted to rescue her and was pulled under herself. I was stuck in another room watching from behind thick glass and traversed the complicated maze of dressing rooms, shower rooms and other pools before getting there myself. That day I had written: “Now there is the lighthearted, “I need a drink” [giggle]. That was NOT how I was feeling. Instead, I had a rare bout of the other kind of need-a-drink: the kind where you have a pounding head and an image burning in your mind that you are desperate to forget.” I spent (it felt like) hours explaining to the young lifeguard and her supervisor how negligent that she had been and couldn’t help adding that my brother who lifeguards (and saved 2 kids-that we know of) would have been irate.
We never got to show him how Noel could ride her bike, sitting so straight with a proud smile on her face and wind whipping through her fine hair. My brother owned nearly a dozen cycles, in part so that he could loan them out while he worked on a new person to come along with him for a ride… He raced in the tri-borough bike race in NYC just 2 years back.
And I can’t help thinking: I want MORE. I want more time, more laughs, more memories, more conversations, more outings, more drinks, more, more, more with Stefan.
4 comments:
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My heart is with you.
Oh babe, I sympathise with that feeling of knowing that Stefan missed out on those things... for me it's the fact that I missed showing him our lake and the miles of forest tracks that we are so lucky to be near, Noel biking with us and taking him out for a curry... He'd have loved the Crown & Cushion in particular and, hey, he may even have developed a liking for our game of cricket too :)
Be safe and be well my love. Thinking of you, Noel and the family as always.
he sounds like a hell of a guy (being related to you though that doesn't surprise me)... more time would be ideal and for fear of being trite i dont want to say anything else other than i know what you mean. to my bones, i know. love you darling...
Spiderman is a great guy to be compared to. Fun, and super, but a very human side to him too.
Coincidentally we watched the first half of Spiderman tonight, and Mary Jane Watson (Kirstin Dunst) reminded me of Christine, a young work colleague who passed away recently. Seeing someone with long red hair brings memories back.
Having a much more closer family bond, you will have more memories and events that will trigger them.
Each time a memory does come back, even though you will feel sorrow, I hope that having all those good memories will bring a happiness also.
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