Wedding Highjinx

Wedding Highjinx,
originally uploaded by beckybumblefuck.

I'll tell ya upfront, transportation issues were the theme of the day.

In fact *everything* went swimmingly right up until we needed to get

to the church. I found the fact that 4 bridesmaids and a bride were

*ahead* of schedule in the makeup/hair/dress up department to be a

near unmatchable feat on a wedding day. It unfortunately just

lengthened the seemingly endless time that we waited for the limo that

never came. At 1:40pm my lovely sister was told that the stretch limo

had broken down on the highway, but would arrive in 20 minutes. The

hitherto calm bride immediately went into well-deserved

hysterical-mode, as 2:00pm was the start time for her wedding

ceremony. We recruited the Marriot van at that point, glamorous as it

was, and were laughing before we reached the church.



We barely lasted through the ceremony. And no I'm not moaning about a

preachy Protestant sermon (actually the priest took a novel approach:

he recited an epic rhyming poem about the couple) or about screechy

kids (Noel was a star and quietly swung her white-dress adorned body

while standing with the bridal party in the front of the church), or

even about a corny, folk-group singing squad (a lovely hand-bell choir

had been recruited for the occasion), rather I'm talking about the <90

degree heat and the non-moving air in the unconditioned church. Sweat

rolled down even the children's faces and created dark stains on

everyone's fancy frocks. We happily emerged from the service to soft

breezes, light rain, and NO limousine. A battery of calls and enough

time for a photo-shoot later, we found a replacement parked out front.

The limo could not be revived, and a "limo" bus had been sent as a

replacement. It was roomy, however, it did not have the panache of

the classic limo, well, especially when the front hood was cracked

open, and a little Honda was parked in front of it with jumper cables

attached. Several tries later, the limo bus came to life, and we all

piled in, relieved to finally have a mode of transportation. Our

brief foray around town for more scenic pictures gave us a glimpse of

our intended stretch limo as it was gingerly being towed from its

resting place on the highway. We giggled.



The reception was flavored with guests that entertained and inspired.

(?!) There was the dedicated wicken-boy who went so far as to file

down his teeth to shape fangs, then the stubbornly bitter cousin who

STILL sits alone at the bar sucking down as much free liquor as

possible-even though she's just a few months from turning 40, and the

suede-dress clad Amazon woman who rocked her body on the dance floor

like she needed a pole. Oh, wait-I forgot, I DID find out that she

WAS a stripper, confirming my suspicions�. Damn she was hot. I felt

no need to shake my ass, with her considerable moves on the dance

floor�.



As the reception wound down the flakey bridesmaid showed her true

colors. She slopped her wine down the front of her dress and dropped

her glass on the dance floor. Her profuse apologizes were lost as I

ushered her and her bare feet away, not allowing her to pick up the

glass; the situation was too dangerous.



Reception concluded, a shuttle safely transported the guests to their

hotels. But, oh, no, the night was not destined to end that easily.

The over-drunk bridesmaid made a $150 puke on the shuttle, disembarked

mid-trip, and gave a farewell finger to the driver. Classy.



And that, my dear friends was my little sister's wedding day.



My Lever had the pleasure of experiencing it all first hand, and had a

small encore of the transportation hassles the next evening. A

burning car on the Tappan-Zee bridge left us sitting for hours,

moaning and then celebrating his missed transatlantic flight.